LOVE Born Vulnerable

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The desire to give birth to your own child is overwhelming.  In 1988, I got pregnant, I had been married two years and when the test came back I was ecstatic.  I remember lying in bed imagining the child growing and wondering what it will be like to feel it moving in me. Would it be a girl or a boy?  What would their name be?  In my 11 week when I had a miscarriage. The longing, the yearning, the helplessness and the physical ache created a thirst begging to be quenched.  I could have just let it go. Stop hoping but deep within I could not.  The desire of my heart came in other ways.

All the adjectives I used to describe my desire: longing, yearning, helplessness and physical ache are all a part of waiting for something hoped for.  When my Nephew was born, It was the first time I got to be present at any birth. I was the first person to hold him, to look into his eyes and he in mine.  I was in awe of the innocence and the beauty, the love without condition and the deep sense of how totally vulnerable and depended this baby was.

The beginning of the Christian Story is truly amazing when you consider that God, Creator of all things. comes into the world like the rest of us,  a baby. God’s desire, longing, yearning need  to know and be known  determined the  course which would be taken to make it so.  The Christ Child enters the world not as a grown man but as innocent and beautiful and totally vulnerable and dependent on a human mother to survive, to love and nurture him unconditionally.  This is truly overwhelming when you stop and think about it.  He became like us so that we could become like him.

I am convinced just as God’s yearning is to know and be known by us, we also have the yearning to know and be known by God.  It is not uncommon for people to look for God when they are vulnerable and at the end of themselves. I do not believe people turn to God simply out of desperation. I believe God is able to reach us because we have lowered our defenses and are more open.  This kind of vulnerability is vital. When we are in that place there is no one to look to but God.  The Christ knows that vulnerability is vital because as a baby He had no one else to look to but his mother and father.

The song , “Mary Did You Know”  By Mark Lowry  speaks to this great truth in a introspective way.

[Verse 1]
Mary did you know that your baby boy will some day walk on water?
Mary did you know that your baby boy will save our sons and daughters?
Did you know that your baby boy has come to make you new?
This child that you’ve delivered, will soon deliver you.

[Verse 2]
Mary did you know that your baby boy will give sight to a blind man?
Mary did you know that your baby boy will calm a storm with his hand?
Did you know that your baby boy has walked where angels trod?
And when you kiss your little baby, you have kissed the face of God.

Oh Mary did you know

The blind will see, the deaf will hear, the dead will live again.
The lame will leap, the dumb will speak, the praises of the lamb

[Verse 3]
Mary did you know that your baby boy is Lord of all creation?
Mary did you know that your baby boy would one day rule the nations?
Did you know that your baby boy is heaven’s perfect Lamb?
This sleeping child you’re holding is the great I am…

Will you consider what Great Love God has for you. will you think about what he did to know and be known by you?  His desire caused him to come into the world as a baby needing people to take care of him?   Will you stop resisting and let yourself become like a child, vulnerable and depended and allow God to care for you?  God loves you unconditionally not because of anything good you have done. He love you because you are a beloved child? 

Three Kinds of JOY


Euphonic Joy is feeling intense excitement and happiness.  As I write this my grandchildren are sleeping at home in Boston.  I on the other hand, am in Florida with Audrey. They think they are going to New Hampshire tomorrow.  However, when they wake up they will be opening a box with the biggest surprise of their lives.   “YOU’RE GOING TO DISNEY WORLD!”   Imagine the intense feelings they are going to have all day. They will be flying on a plane for the first time in their lives. They will be going to Florida for the first time in their lives.  They will go to their hotel then get on a bus to Epcot and will be greeted by their grandparents, who they think are back home.  To be honest even as I write this I am feeling intense excitement and happiness in anticipation of greeting them.

Illusionary Joy is the kind of Joy that is temporary and fleeting and comes from a false sense of reality.  Sometimes it can be the letter you get in the mail that says your investments have increased by 10%.  A month later they have decreased 15%.  Rene Descartes said, “Illusionary joy is often worth more than genuine sorrow.” The reality is until you cash out your investment, the letters you get in the mail are Illusionary which can bring joy or sorrow.   Another way we experience Illusionary joy is when we are eating a favorite treat or meal or giving into a forbidden temptation.   We experience this illusionary joy and like a puff of smoke it is over.  Some people chase after this joy with abandonment.  This we name addiction.

True Joy:   This gives out an energy that empowers us to do things that once seemed too difficult to attempt.  True joy looks at problems and sees ways to fix them.  True Joy feeds your confidence.  No problem! You’ve got energy, buoyancy. You’re alive!  True Joy is the deep happiness that comes with fulfilling your potential.  True Joy can be a constant as it stokes the power within for living life.  True joy does not deny the reality of pain and grief. It faces it, names it and says I will get through this.

  Euphonic and illusionary joy is temporary and often covers up the reality of our pain. We seek out these kinds of joy thinking if we avoid we don’t have to deal with the issues.  Sometimes avoidance is needed but at some point you have to face reality. We just need to know that when we seek these kinds of joy happiness is temporary and come from outside ourselves.  True Joy is born within and is a matter of the heart rather than the mind.

“The Kingdom of God is not a matter of what we eat or drink, but of living a life of goodness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit.” (Romans 14:17 NLT)

Euphoric and Illusionary joy are a matter of the mind. The quest for true joy is a matter of the heart.  The journey form the mind to the heart is only 12 inches long.    It is from the heart…we discover the depth and breadth of Hope, of Peace, of Joy and of Love.  True joy empowers us to open our arms wide and breathe deeply! True joy looks at creation and sees clearly and more dearly all that exists around them.   True joy endows us with the ability to press on and overcome.  True Joy declares: FEAR NOT! BE NOT AFRAID! For unto you is born a child who is Christ the King.     Those who take the journey from head to heart find God and discover ALIVENESS!  Rev. Dr.  Howard Thurman said it best.  “What makes you come alive? Go do that, the world needs people who are alive.”  This is living in true Joy.

Why Must We Wait For Peace?


Mother Teresa said, ” We have no peace because we have forgotten that we belong to each other.”

Christmas time we sing: “Let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me”

We live in a world where  peace surrounds us. Whether in our personal lives or in politics or world affairs there are weeds  of evil, chaos, suspicion and fear that are growing….choking out peace  tresspassing boundaries.   We long for peace yet it often evades us.    We have no peace because we are unaware that belonging is the fertile ground which allows it to grow.

We are starving for peace. It is difficult to fully understand but peace must begin with each of us.   You may consider yourself a peaceful person.  But then I will ask: What are you afraid of? what makes you anxious?  What makes you angry? What makes you question your self-worth?   What is the source of anger, anxiety, fear, shame and guilt?  all of these elements litter the fertile ground of the soul.   When we pause and truly think about these feelings it isn’t long before we can name the source of our frustration choking out our peace. Often it is a person or people who are involved and  we blame them for our suffering.   However, we have the power to get peace back.

How do we remove these weeds choking our peace? To make room for  peace we must take out the weed killer…. forgiveness.  But the  perception that forgiveness releases another from the very thing that has hurt us, the very thing that stole our peace… the very thing that causes our suffering… STOPS US…. dead in our tracks. Because we are led to believe we must wait for peace until the one who has trespassed against us owns up to what they did to us.  Alas, with this mindset we let the weeds grow unchecked.    We often hear, “Why the hell should I forgive them?  don’t you know what they did to me? “  Yes! They stole your peace and now you are in a constant state of hurt in varying degrees.  Peace is chocked out  by the weeds of anger, anxiety, fear, shame guilt and depression which ultmately makes room for the Root of Bitterness. Bitterness then begs for revenge so PEACE MUST WAIT!

Forgiveness is like weed killer. If you don’t deal with the weeds they thrive and peace lays dormant.  Peace is powerful when understood as a strength rather than a weakness.  When we forgive ,this weed killer  transforms the garden of the soul.  Nevertheless,, we often have to get to the place were it just hurts to much before we surrender the weeds to God.  Here! Take this from me.  I don’t want to hurt anymore. I don’t want to be angry anymore. I don’t want to be afraid and guilting anymore. I don’t want to become bitter.

Forgiveness is the pathway to PEACE. This PEACE allows us to bear witness to all that is beautiful again. It allows us to experience a new sense of belonging.  It allows us to rise above the very circumstance that held us captive and experience faith, hope, love, and Joy.

Jesus is the prince of peace! The season of ADVENT begs for hope, peace, joy and Love.  Jesus came to bring this peace and was killed for trying.  Nevertheless, in the midst of His greatest moment of suffering ,he said to those who mocked him who crucified him, ‘Forgive them Father, they know not what they do’.  His suffering ended moments later.  Rising again… three day later.  He did not seek revenge….NO!  His disciples did not seek revenge…NO!  Instead, His message of Peace through forgiveness has been carried forth from those who have been transformed by it…from one generation to the next until this very moment. This Peace we crave comes from within…. it is born in love, it is fed by hope and when we are free to live in this peace we experience true  Joy!

This is the season of Advent…..The season of waiting…..The Christian story begins with the Birth of Jesus…..The one the prophets foretold. Jesus  who left eternity and entered time to show us the God kind of love that feeds our hunger for peace…for belonging…for knowing and being known by God.    The world longs for Peace… yet the weeds of social, racial, ethnic and religious injustice run rampant.  The disparity of rich and poor,  the sick and healthy, the marginalized and oppressed reveal the overgrowth that informs us why we have no peace.

Nevertheless,  this revelation of peace  transformers those who understand its power. Those who seeks peace instead of strife, seeks to make things right instead of revenge,  Seeks mercy rather than judgement. This Peace is the hallmark of someone who has known forgiveness and now forgives.    Why must we wait for peace then?  We do not! We have the tools of forgiveness which creates fertile ground for peace thrive!  Who do you need to forgive so peace can come to life in the garden of your soul?

Let peace begin with you.

The Reaction to Compassion is Action.


It was the third day of a heat wave. I was going to visit a relative in the hospital. I had to make a stop.  when I was on my way agains waiting four cars from a light, I saw a young man so sunburned his eyes were swollen/ He was holding up a sign….Homeless and hunger could you help me.  So I rolled down the window as I passed by and give him a ten dollar bill and a handful of change. I was hoping he would find some peace and shade  the rest of his day.   As I drove away I wondered how someone can do that. I wondered if he experienced humiliation or  maybe the shame or just maybe he was so dejected he didn’t feel anything. I wondered had he gotten used to the looks of discussed as others pass him by.  I filled with tears thinking of so many who do this. So many I pass by because I don’t have cash on me often. I asked God to forgive me for all those I have passed by who I judged as addicts and lowlifes and wonder if this man’s story was different from the stereotypes manufactured by society standards and politics.  Stereotypes that allow me to justify turning my head away pretending I did not see.

I continued on with my plan and traveled 58 miles down the highway.  We decided to took the road less traveled to stop and get gas and ice coffee.   We pulled away and about a quarter of a mile down the road, sitting on the side of the road, a man we often see who has a prosthetic leg just below the knee was on the ground.  He was disheveled scooting slowly on his butt throwing his crutches out in front of him.  We felt the need to stop and get out to see if he needed help.  He told us his leg had been stolen and he was making his way back to his trailer just a few yards away. I asked him if he wanted us to help him stand and he said no no…it is easier to make my way on the ground. It is safer for me. So I wished him well and went on my way.

As the day went on I couldn’t stop wondering about these two men whose path I had crossed that day. I had allowed myself to look beyond the disdain and challenged the script that played out in my head.

I realized that we may have purposes and plans but if you are  awake and aware because of God’s compassion our purpose and plans might include strangers and situations that cause us  to stop and offer some form of action.  We may not be able to change the whole world but we can make a difference each day for someone.

Come Away From Rush And Hurry!

technology_distractionHello folks, many of you know that I was in a car accident at the end of April. I got a concussion and was told I had to do a visual fast. I was not allowed to watch TV, use my computer, read or write. Thus the reason I have not written in my blog since Easter.  It took me almost a whole week before I emotionally let it all go. Over the time of this fast my experience helped me to rediscover the centering peace that comes with pause. I also realized just how much I had been living with worry and distraction.  I had come away from rush and hurry.

The way we engage in our western world began to shift with the advent of Cable TV, then  video games then Computers then  Cell Phones and now tablets and other devices.    It has altered the way we participate with the people around us in dramatic ways. Both for the good and the bad… We are inundated and involved in an endless array of information and business daily. Both good and Bad…..Tonight I want to  focus on two things that seem to go unchecked and that is ….the impact of worry and distraction cause by this new normal…….. and our need to come away from technology and rediscover centering peace.

First:  Worry.

How do we react to life and others when we are worried, anxious, and stressed!    Many are plagued with stress overload. Name any phobia and someone in this room has one. We worry about money, about jobs, about getting to places on time, about our safety, about our things getting stolen, about who is getting more than we are.  We worry about worry?
We are like that couple from Connecticut where the wife worried constantly about all their stuff. One night their home get  broken into. The husband heard a noise He goes downstairs to investigate and found a burglar emptying the silver chest. He said to burglar, “Stay right where you are….. I want to get my wife. She has been expecting you for twenty years.”
Second Distraction.

To be distracted is to be unfocused. Our thoughts, our plans, and our lives feel like we are out of control and pulled in every direction.

To be focused, on the other hand, is to have a plan, a purpose, a meaning that directs and enhances one’s life.

In this new normal

  • What are those things that keep us from stillness and solitude?
  • What are the events that distract us from being mindful and truly present with our loved ones and friends?
  • What are the surplus of ideas and thoughts and impulses that obscure the wonders and beauty that surround us?
  • What are you missing out on because you are sitting looking through a window to a virtual world?
  • More importantly from my perspective where does God fit into this new normal?

A thousand distractions leap into our lap and demand, “Follow me, buy me, go here, go there, do this, do that!”

To come away from rush and hurry we actually being ourselves into a place of balance.   Our minds are given time off to be rejuvenated to rest.    Pete Seager …wrote a song years ago, “TURN TURNTURN.        He was  inspired by King Solomon of Israel who wrote 4000 years ago:   
“for everything there is a season and a time for every matter under heaven …

  • a time to be born and a time to die …
  • a time to work and a time to rest…
  • a time to cry and a time to laugh
  • a time to keep silence and a time to speak … there’s a time for everything.” .

Life is all about balance.  Our inner being will alert us when it is time to come away from rush and hurry. GardenPrayer

It is alerting us and hungering for God’s Peace….. When we are feeling especially worried or anxious or stressed begging to to come away from rush and hurry… When we are feeling distracted the inner person hungers and desires to come away from rush and hurry but Busy keeps coming instead.

My experience was profound. I encourage stop and ask yourself… I worried and or distracted? Is it time for me to come away from rush and hurry?   What needs to be done to better equip myself to take on the challenges of the day?  In what ways can I come away from rush and hurry?  Get your balance by being purposeful do a personal assessment. Do a Visual fast.  Find a place of quiet and meditate and pray.   Go for a walk and let yourself be present awake and alert to what you are thinking or feeling…what are you worried about? I extend an invitation to   consider the lilies of the field and the birds of the air they do not worry or fret  Our inner being is and will alert us and come away from rush and hurry.

1.Come away from rush and Hurry is a song title:

Why Easter at the Worshiping Oak?

Worshipping_Oak_-_Haverhill,_MA_-_August_2012 (1)First Congregational Church Haverhill has had a continuous, systematic narrative that can be traced back to a tree next to the Merrimack River and a man named John Ward. Members of First Church Haverhill were proud of their Christian Heritage   So I ventured to learn more about this man John Ward. Call me a romantic I had been called into this linage and this old church closed to form A New Church for A New Haverhill  called Phoenix Rising United Church of Christ.  My research brought me to the University of Massachusetts archives on the early history of Haverhill.

I read that on October 24th 1642 John Ward was ordained and upon his ordination he was given 16 acres of land, one cow, two pigs, a dozen chickens, six cords of wood that would be cut and stacked at his door, 400 shillings a year, and a portion of the crops from the village would be share with him so he could devote himself to the study of God’s word.

A fun fact to this story is that when I was   making plans to move to Haverhill, there were only five houses for rent  in our price range.  Only one person called us back, we got the house and it literally sits on those 16 acres.   When serendipity happens it humbles me and causes me to thank God for guidance.  It also becomes both an affirmation and confirmation that I am indeed  am on the threshold of fulfilling a mission with the help of God.  As fascinating as this is, there was even more.  More than once the narrative mentioned the “Worshiping Oak”.  It was the place where the first villagers held worship.

I discovered in my research that the Worshiping Oak still existed and I set out to find it.  It really wasn’t hard to find. It is on the site of the Buttonwoods museum and the John Ward house.  I went there a few weeks later.  I felt a deep connection!  It is that feeling when ones awareness is so acute your senses seem to pierce the veil of the past.   There it was the great Oak!  I imagined it as an ancient sentinel present for over 350 years. I imagined those first settlers gathering there under its branches.  I stood beside the tree and watched the Merrimack meander toward the ocean. Then I stood in front of the tree facing the grassy knoll. I imagined that John Ward had once stood in the very spot I now stood. I wondered what sermons he preached.  What was worship like?  What vision or dreams did he and the people of the village hold  for their future.  This was “The” place it all began.  This tree shaded the first worshipers and now centuries later looked down on me, a new kind of Pastor about to lead a reemerging Christian Community that can trace its roots back to this very patch of earth! I said a prayer.   In that moment I imagined planting the seed called Phoenix Rising UCC. I imagined circling back to this very spot and gathering members of this new congregation under the Worship Oak t joining  our hearts with  our Christian ancestors. This is why  we will be gathering  Easter Sunday Morning  at  the Buttonwoods Museum   Everyone is invited.  Bring your  family and friends  and join us in this historical moment . We will, dedicate and celebrate the history of First Congregational Church and its new child Phoenix Rising United Church of Christ, come and make a memory with us and experience the awe and wonder of the moment? God is still speaking

“You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and hills will burst into song before you, and all the trees of the field will clap their hands.” Isaiah 55:12


Who is Jesus for you?


Jesus started his ministry on earth teaching from the Old Testament scriptures. The first reading we hear from him is this:  from Isaiah 61:1 “The Spirit of the LORD is upon me, because the LORD has anointed me; he has sent me to bring good news to the oppressed and to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives, and release from darkness for the prisoners…’  After he had read this he left the synagogue and went about fulfilling these words.

When we read the Gospels, we are reading the story of Jesus in the flesh encountering others with good news. We learn what he did and what he talked about and the trouble this caused him. We see how people reacted to him both good and bad. Many rejoiced in the Good news. because it addressed issues at the core of humanities existence:  suffering, evil, life, death and more. Then there were many who were suspicious of him and his motives.

Imagine what it must have been like to see people actually get healed from blindness, deafness, seeing the disabled walking.  What would it be like to be a prostitute about to be stoned to death only to see people drop rocks because of a spoken word: “He who is without sin cast the first stone!”  One day after feeding 5000 people in a miraculous way, Jesus and his disciples went on their way.  When they had settled in for the night, Jesus asks these questions: “Who do people say that I am?” They reply, “Some say John the Baptist; others say Elijah; and still others, Jeremiah or one of the other prophets who has come back to life.” Then Jesus asks, “But what about you?” Who do you say that I am? (Matt 16:13-20)

Today I want to ask a similar question:  Who is Jesus for you?   

To begin to address the question people often realize that one question raised others such as: What do I believe about Jesus?  How do I understand Jesus? Was Jesus really crucified and buried…then rose again?    When Jesus asked the disciples, “who do you think I am? Or who am I to you?  Only The Apostle Peter spoke up and said, “You are the Messiah, the Son of God”.  Jesus said to him, “Flesh and blood did not reveal this to you.  (Matt 13:20)

Phoenix Rising UCC is on a quest to know who Jesus is for us.  We are not afraid to ask if Jesus really is the Son of God, Did Jesus really heal the sick and did he really rise for the dead? Is he really the Savoir (Messiah)? And if all this is true can Jesus become as real to us as Peter?  The truest answer will come in the form of a revelation as it did for Peter.   To get to know someone you can’t just talk about yourself. You have to ask a lots of questions and listen for the answers.

So, who is Jesus for you?  I invite you to share your thoughts, your doubts, your impressions and your questions. If you can answer this question: Who is Jesus for you. Please share, many would love to hear your story.


images (1)Many people would say, that’s the day people go to church and come out with black smudges on their forehead or hand.   But they only know what they see; they do not know the why and the reason.  Unfortunately, many Christians do it because they are supposed to do it without knowing its meaning and purpose.  Nevertheless, for all who come, the simple act of coming and receiving the imposition of ashes is an act of faith.  It is not a symbol of humiliation or punishment but a revelation. I believe when one intentionally carves out a portion of their day, and engages in this act of worship, they are expressing a desire to be in relationship with God with the hope God’s desire is to be in relationship with them.

Ash Wednesday begins the forty days of Lent which symbolize the 40 days Jesus fasted in the wilderness; overcoming and enduring temptations all humanity struggles with. Traditionally, Christians during the Lenten season have given up meat on Friday’s for fish.  Individuals often choose to give up something they love or desire.  However, these rituals are empty unless the fast is motivated by a longing for a deeper relationship with God.

The purpose of receiving the sign of ashes prompts us to consider our mortality; from dust we came from dust we shall return.  We pause to acknowledge our imperfections and limitations, our failures and trespasses, our fear and shame even lack of faith.  When we identify these short comings, it gives us a vantage point like no other: we place ourselves in a position to witness and personally experience the love, goodness and grace of God.  What we see is GRACE coming alive as each one no longer shrinks back from God because of inadequacies but rather moves towards God despite them.

The following are lyrics to songs written by people who discovered this great truth.

  1. “He gives me beauty for ashes, the oil of Joy for mourning, a garment of praise for a spirit of heaviness….
  2. “Something beautiful, something good, All my confusion, God understood, all I have to offer Him is brokenness and strife but he made something beautify of my life.”
  3. “Shackled by a heavy burden, neath a load of guilt and shame, then the hand of Jesus touched me and now I am no longer the same. “ He touched me, Oh He touched me, And Oh what joy that floods my soul…Something Happened and now I know He touched me and made me whole.

Ash Wednesday, marks the beginning of a journey towards Easter, 40 day’s and 6 Sunday’s.  To come and receive the mark, you are acknowledging your humanity and are conscious of God’s desire to be in relationship with you. So go to a church near you to receive yours.   I would also invite you to join us as we journey with Jesus through the Gospel of John leading up to Easter.

I Leave you with this thought and prayer:

“You are not loved because you are good but because God is good and that Goodness is beautiful, it is the oil of joy, it is a garment of praise.”

May your Lenten prayer be as simple as the song from Godspell:

Day by Day, Day by Day, O dear Lord three things I pray,

To see they more clearly, follow they more nearly, Love the more dearly

Day by Day.

My Faith Journey/My God Story

rev_djs_collinsHow do I know God?  Well the only way I can answer that question is to tell my God Story.  You see knowing God is about being in relationship. It is not a formula or about reading a book or being in the right place at the right time. It all begins with being awake and aware.  God desires to have a personal relationship with all of us.  We may not even be aware of God’s presence in our lives but when we become aware life takes on a whole new dimension.

Last week I shared my first tangible encounter with God.  This week I share my 30 year  faith Journey.  I am not special. I am simply awake and aware of God in my life. You can also become as alert to God’s presence.  If you are seeking or  even if you are not God often shows up.

 Here is the rest of my story.

In 1985 I began attending a prayer group in my church, which met from 5:30 -6:30 AM Monday through Friday. I attended two or three times a week. There is something that happens to a person who purposefully plans their day around prayer. We would gather for ten minutes of devotion, then scatter around the sanctuary and pray together yet in solitude.

Although it was late spring, the sanctuary was often cold. Not a wintery cold but a spring cold that is transformed in moments by the warmth of the sun’s rays. I would say my prayers and meditate on a passage of scripture then wait in silence.  I had a burning desire to hear that still small voice spoken of by Jeremiah, Isaiah and Samuel.  I went faithfully expecting to hear for months. Then one day it happened!  I heard, “the voice”, “Donna I have called you and will equip you for the work of the ministry”.  The words did not come from without but within, from the deepest part of me as though coming out of the darkness into the light. The words were said once but echoed in every fiber of my being.

Although I had never heard anything like it before, I knew that I knew it was the ‘Divine Voice.’ I was afraid to move not wanting the moment to end and began to cry. Half in fear, half in awe, I said, ‘yes Lord.’  I prayed every day hoping for more direction. About ten days later, in the same place, around the same time, something else happened; I had a vision.

The Vision

I was in a race, running in front of the pack. Suddenly, I felt a pebble in my shoe that caused me to stumble and fall to the ground. Others in the race kept running. With all my might, I tried to take the shoe off. It was as though it were glued to my foot. No one stopped to help me and as the sun began to set and the last racer passed over the hill, I sat on the ground weeping alone in the dark. With the morning light came a person running toward me from the direction where the race had begun the day before.  She stopped and did not speak a word, knelt down beside me and untied the shoe. She took out the thorny irritation and held it up to the light.  It was not a pebble at all, but a beautiful pearl and like a prism, it revealed hidden multi-color rays. The runner took me by the arms and lifted me up and I felt light as a feather. Taking my hand, we began running together. Suddenly, I felt the ground vibrate with activity and looked back. I found myself in another race and once again at the front leading the pack.

At the time, it was hard for me to grasp its meaning. Nevertheless, it was a very powerful experience. The race metaphor was not new to me. The Apostle Paul talked about the Christian journey as a race.3   Nevertheless, what did this mean for me?  Over the years, I tried to interpret this against different occasions in my life but it never measured up.  Eventually, I let it go. I had forgotten all about it until I took my first course at Andover Newton Theological School.  It was the Summer Institute of 2004. It happened on the Thursday while singing a chorus during morning devotions. As I listened to the community singing, the vision came again, jarring my senses as vividly as the first time.  I recognized that the race was a balcony view of three key periods of my life.  The paradoxical and perplexing questions revealed their remedies, alerting me to nineteen years’ worth of fresh new meaning and clarity.

Part one: Growing up, Connecting to God, Growing with others and Serving the Community

Growing up, I first understood myself as the oldest in a family of eight: my father, mother and five siblings. My father owned his own gas station.  In addition to raising six kids, my mother worked 11PM-7AM.  Raised Catholic, we regularly went to church with many of our extended family, some of which were lay leaders and clergy

I was different from my other siblings: it wasn’t until I was in my late teens that I was diagnosed with juvenile rheumatoid arthritis (J.R.A.).  I was also dyslexic which went undetected until I was an adult in college. Not knowing why I was different, I learned lessons in my early years about physical suffering and being misunderstood.   I also learned the ‘Collins way’ of handling problems… those family behaviors, which pass hurt from one generation to the next. Nevertheless, I retreated to my attic, my sanctuary.   I taught myself to play guitar and wrote songs.  I learned to sing. I discovered my creativity and learned how to paint. It was in my attic that I cultivated deep convictions which originated from a belief in a providential God who is all loving and intimately involved in the day to day events of people’s lives.  My personal life and physical pain and the sudden death of my nineteen-year-old cousin, who was killed by a drunk driver, challenged my beliefs and caused me to question my understanding of God.

It wasn’t long before I went to the Priest with my questions and concerns. I left the meeting with even more questions.  Then a series of events and friends led me to a little Baptist church in town. I asked my questions and they told me that my answers would be found in the Bible. The church community identified its meaning and purpose by Bible study. Scripture was viewed from a literal perspective because it was believed to be, “without error”.  One’s community identity was defined by right answers and right answers were the evidence of spiritual growth.   Being able to read was important and it was a struggle for me. How will I ever know God if I can’t read?  I wanted answers to my questions so I confided in a friend who encouraged me to use James1: 5 as a prayer, “If anyone lacks wisdom, let them ask God and God will give it to them abundantly”.  I took her suggestion and it eased my anxiety, I prayed and before long I was able to comprehend what I was reading.  During this time my J.R.A. and the pain had gotten worse. Despite four surgeries, I was told I would be permanently disabled.  The pain dictated when and what I could do things.  The Church community became my life. That is where I developed friendships and a deeper understanding of my relationship with the triune God.  I also had many opportunities to continue to develop my gift of music.  I started a puppet ministry with the youth and as a young adult I pulled together a Christian band called ‘Agape’.

When I was twenty-four, the band was invited to an event with other groups.  I met and became friends with folks from a new charismatic church.  They invited me to a healing service and that day I walked out pushing my wheelchair. My healing became a part of my new identity. It was so amazing to be able to walk without pain. I hadn’t walked on the beach in years; the  next day I was there at sunrise thanking God for a new me. For the next thirteen years, I became a leader in this spirit focused faith community. I met and married my husband and together, we were in several praise bands and moved to Oklahoma to attend Bible School. We were ordained as evangelists traveling to many churches in Oklahoma, Texas and Missouri. Through the school we were asked to help start a new church in Claremore OK. My public life was fulfilling and it was a privilege to serve in worship, in prayer, in teaching and sharing my faith out in the community.

Part two: Dark shadows, The Fall, and the Dark night

Unfortunately in the Charismatic movement leaders I was associated with were accountable only to themselves and their subjective interpretations of spiritual authority.  It was difficult to have a discussion with a minister if you disagreed.  Women were to be submissive to their husbands. My husband was the spiritual authority in our marriage and if I disagreed with him the heartache and emotional pain inflicted held cause the demise of the marriage. For years I suffered verbal, spiritual, and in the end physical abuse. To add insult to injury, I had a terrible fall, which left me unable to walk with a seizure disorder. Because of a literalist view of scripture, my Christian identity was called into question. One’s Christian identity was defined by your health, what gifts you had and used determined ones perceived relationship with God.

I hadn’t been in church for months and I wanted to go.  My husband took me into church and while waiting for him in the narthex, I caught the eye of one of my close friends. She looked at me, then looked away, grabbed her kids and went into the church. Not one person greeted or welcomed me back. I felt a deep sense of rejection and did not go back to church after that.  I had lived my life according to this belief system and for a season, I believed that God had judged me unfit and punitively responded.

Part Three: Dawn breaks, my Samaritan comes, a renewed Sense of Call.

or four years, I was isolated living as best I could in a wheelchair.  Then, in nineteen ninety-six, I was introduced to a doctor who offered me hope.  I had double knee replacements and spent several months in a rehab. It was there I met a chaplain with the United Church of Christ.  Her name was Nancy. Nancy only met with me a few times. I told her my story and she helped me see once again, God’s loving presence.  Her compassion and empathy became a guiding light in my recovery.  This marked a new beginning. I was recovering, my husband was no longer in the picture and I was looking forward to making a new life for myself and went back to school.    I thrived and got involved in everything at North Shore Community College, (NSCC).  Before long, I met two other people who were from UCC churches.  One was a professor, who was also a minister. The other was a student, (Audrey) who would become my best friend and years later my wife. It wasn’t long before I realized I had found a home in the United Church of Christ.

My life experiences have revealed to me God is in relationship with us and will never abandon us. God is on the side of the poor, alienated, disenfranchised and those who yearn for justice and equality.  I have had to learn to embrace my own incompleteness and brokenness because it is where my faith in God is strengthened.   Although my friends turned away from me that day in church, God would one day use a chaplain and others to guide me towards a greater truth than the one I had known.

Still in the middle of the movie: 

My personal story with all its ups and downs, sufferings and celebrations are a testament to a God who looks upon me as a “beloved daughter.  This revelation is what drives my passion in ministry to be an instrument whereby others may come to realize their own belovedness and dignity as human persons.  Ultimately, if we understand ourselves as belonging to God and that God belongs to us and we belong to each other when we are in the midst of losses, betrayals and hurts we can remain hopeful that all things work together for the good.  My relived vision experienced at ANTS in 2004 informs me today the sacred marathon continues and I am determined to reach the finish line.  I can’t wait to see what God and I accomplish together.

What is your God story?

Do You Know God Or Do You Only Know About God?


Do you know God? Or Do you only know about God?

John Calvin wrote, “To know God is to be changed by God; true knowledge of God leads to worship.” The future of the Church is worship.

How do you really know someone?   We may think we know…say…the president of the United States. But do we honestly really know him?   There is much written about him good and bad that causes us to form an opinion about him but the truth of the matter is, unless you can say you have been with him in person and hung around him , you really can’t say you know him. Nevertheless you know about him.

There is much written about God. People make statements in the name of God that are not God at all. Yet we form opinion based on that knowledge about that keeps us from actually seeking to know God.

I had a transformational experience when I was 18 years old.  I was living the life many others were living.  Living at home, working all week at a low paying job only to party on the weekend. I felt my life was going nowhere and in the late 70’s early 80’s prospects for a woman raised in a blue collar city were limited.  I had an encounter with some friends who were going to a Baptist church. They had stopped by to share their faith. I was not receptive; as a matter of fact I mocked and insulted them until they challenged me with this: “Your friends are not your friends but there is one who will stick closer to you than a brother. I later found this in the bible: proverbs 18:24. The first half of this proverb was painfully true and I did not want to admit it. They said Jesus would stick closer to me than a brother. For weeks I resented these words, yet I couldn’t stop thinking about them. One night my “friends” abandoned me to a situation that put me in grave danger. I will fore go the details. I found myself begging God, “if you are really there,  I need you now…” All I can tell you is a peace came over unlike anything I had experienced before. I became acutely aware I was not alone and took a deep breath and made a break for it.   I remember going to the beach that night and crying out into the dark while the waves lapped the shore, “God you are real…you are here.”  For the first time in my life I realized God cared about me and loved me enough to rescue me.  My response was to find a place where I could worship God. I have been a follower ever since.  Knowing God for me is experiential not theory.  Knowing God is to know Grace.  It is to know I am a child with a Parent with whom I belong. It is this true knowledge that led me to worship and has been the source of my strength and has kept me in the faith.

We need to proclaim our experience more than teach theory.     God desires all of us to open our heart so that we can know just how close and connected we are.  May you open your heart to the possibility of knowing God not just knowing about God.

  1. What is it that compels someone to seek a community were God is worshiped?
  2. Do you think people go to church because they only know about God but hope to find God?
  3. What other questions does this raise for you?